In anticipation of the release of The Tortured Poets Department, Taylor Swift curated 5 playlists of her songs that correspond to the 5 stages of heartbreak, or grief. However, she forgot the 6th stage. The stage that I believe is the most healing.
But first I have to say thank you, Taylor Swift, for calling attention to the stages of grief during heartbreak. Because breakups are typically not acknowledged as losses that are as significant as say, a death. But for those going through one, the pain can feel just as gut-wrenching.
Look, a loss is a loss. When you have no control over a major change in your life, and you’re left to face a reality you never wanted, taking time to grieve what could have been is how you are able to move forward in a healthy way.
If you are going through a breakup, whether you wanted it or not, I see you. Please know, breakups are hard. You are experiencing a major loss. The loss of a lifestyle, an identity, a future, and a person that played a significant role in your life. And you can take your time to grieve that.
There are many types of grief that humans experience that are disenfranchised in this way – meaning society doesn’t view the pain as seriously as it is.
Disenfranchised grief can include:
- Heartbreak
- Death of a pet
- Miscarriage
- Divorce
- End of a friendship
- Losing a job
- Having a child
Understanding The Stages Of Grief
As a reminder, the 5 stages of grief/heartbreak, originally coined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross include:
1. Denial
Being in shock or a haze after loss and not being able to come to terms with reality.
2. Anger
Feeling incredibly angry about the loss, people involved, or more irritable in your day-to-day for seemingly unknown reasons.
3. Bargaining
Praying to a higher power to fix the situation or take away your pain.
4. Depression
Feeling incredibly sad about the loss, drowning in sorrow, hopeless that things will never get better, or difficulty coping and concentrating in daily life.
5. Acceptance
Adapting to your new normal and acknowledging that your life is forever changed.
Some things to keep in mind as you move through the 5 stages of grief:
- You do not have to go in order. Remember, bouncing around the stages is common, and reverting back to the earlier stages without any rhyme or reason can happen and is normal.
- There is no timeline for each stage.
- Everyone’s experience of grief is unique. Sometimes these stages will resonate, other times they won’t and that’s okay.
- There is a 6th stage of grief. This stage is the Making Meaning Stage.
The Sixth Stage Of Grief
The sixth stage of grief was recognized later on by David Kessler, grief expert. And the making meaning phase is probably the most important stage of grief, because it’s where most of the healing happens.
When you make meaning after a loss, the sorrow you feel from your broken heart will eventually be outweighed by the joy and love that was, and continues, to be present.
But I know – when you’re going through a breakup, it’s possible that you are so angry you don’t want to acknowledge, let alone celebrate, the joy and love that once was. I get that. If that’s the case, focus on the joy and love you are cultivating in your life now that the relationship is over.
Getting to this place does take time. There is no rush. But knowing it’s possible can remind you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. And even if you can’t see it yet, that’s okay. Trust me. The light is there.
The Sixth Stage Of Grief: How To Make Meaning
1. Let yourself feel your emotions
The only way out is through. Those painful emotions are going to remain in your system whether you face them or not. When you face them, they become less scary. And you see all of the love that is contained within them.
2. Connect with others who get it
Find people who will not shame you as you move through your grief, and instead give you space for your emotions. And when you reciprocate that kind of understanding by being there for others, it will also help you make meaning out of your experience.
3. Turn your pain into beauty
Do what Taylor Swift does and make art!
- Become a tortured poet and express your emotions by putting pen to paper.
- Take up singing and belt your heart out to a song that resonates.
- Paint or draw when words don’t seem to suffice.
- Or take that time and space you now have available and fill it with a new craft (I did this with knitting after one of my breakups and it became a lifelong hobby that provides so much joy and meaning in my life. If I never went through that breakup I may have never discovered it).
Truth be told, Taylor Swift doesn’t need to create a playlist for the making meaning stage of grief, because every song she writes represents it. And she herself seems to embody this stage with everything she does.
But I do have a feeling that The Tortured Poets Department album in and of itself will represent how Taylor Swift has been able to make meaning out of this grief and heartbreak she experienced. We will know in less than a week!
